"For the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away."

Today I'm fast forwarding time to a date closer to the present; a date in which I never saw coming.  The  reason for this fast forward moment instead of writing about my burn and the other growing up moments in my life is because at the time I started this blog it was May 15th, 2012 my oldest daughter's 7th birthday.  A day in which we celebrate a birth, not reminded about a death. 

On this day, I received the call I've been waiting on for over a year.  I was given confirmation that my third daughter's name was given permanent validity to a life in which none of us will ever get to know.  A life that lasted for a brief five months. 

I felt her kick and turn and give me an ever-expanding waistline.  She allowed me to eat a lot of cheeseburgers and chocolate since during those months that was all I could seem to keep down.  Courtney and Sydney would sit as I would read to her.  They'd help pick out music to put on my belly talking about who would change diapers or hold the bottle.  They fought over who would be the better big sister and when it was time to push her in a stroller who would do it first.  We were all ready to meet this baby girl, but as I have now come to realize, God had other plans. 


The small marker we put down the day we said our goodbyes


We'd found at 19 weeks that there were issues with the development of her kidneys and bilateral ureters.  Basically, when she needed to go to the bathroom, her kidneys were not flushing it out properly.  At this point in gestation there is little the doctors can do but wait.  Wait to see what time and growth will achieve.  But, she formed a distended belly from her kidneys not functioning and in turned it caused too much strain on her tiny heart.  Four weeks later at my next check up, she was gone.  

Her name was Caroline Grace McGuire and we lost her at 23 weeks gestation. 

The rest of the story goes something like this.  After I delivered her, I struggled with the decision of how I would handle the moment she was born.  Do I see her?  Hold her? Or, simply say my goodbye as they take her out of the room?  That is something that my soul has had to come to peace with in the year and a half that has followed.  It was a decision made in firm belief that God knew what He was doing when He took her and He knew what I was going to be able to handle.

In Jeremiah 1:5 the Lord says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you.  And before you were born, I concecrated you; I appointed you a prophet in the nations."   As tough as it may be for everyone to believe, this little girl was never meant to be with us and the Lord knew that long before he took her home.  It was not something I came to terms with easily as my faith was certainly not as strong then as it is now.  Caroline was destined for greater things that reached far beyond this earthly life. 

Her time here with us was so brief, yet those fleeting moments taught me valuable lessons about love, grace, humility and understanding.  Her journey during that time taught me about taking time out of my own life to slow down, take in the seconds, minutes, hours you have before they are gone.  She made me a better person without me even realizing it until now and I was given a lifetime of memories while I carried her. 

We had her cremated and buried in the same plot where my brother was laid to rest eight years ago.  It was there, and only there that I was comfortable knowing the love and protection they would give to one another would bring me peace.  They already knew how important the bond I had with each of them was to now be shared between the two of them.

For a few brief moments after the phone call from the company who did the inscription I cried.  Struck by the realization that I can now, without regret, move on.  As my wise old mother always says, Caroline was a chapter in my life, all of our lives and now it's time to close that chapter and start a new one.  She will always be there to go back to.  As now I know when I read her name, she is HOME.